Friday, September 14, 2007

Bass Pro Shops Sucks



So I decided to finally check out the new Bass Pro Shops in my area. What an adventure!

It all started when I heard about the (sometimes minimum) 2 hour wait for the restaurant. I figured it had to be something spectacular.

The mission to find parking wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Find a tiny spot in a sea of lifted trucks with tow hitches isn't as hard as you'd think.

After a short walk, the trip began at the bar.

There, a fantastic aquarium was the main attraction but everything else was a bit bland. Especially the people. With their mullets and pale sunburnt skin. The drink menu was pathetic. It was similar to that of Rainforest Cafe. And if you haven't been there, don't bother. Since I wasn't about to wait for a seat in the restaurant, we treked into the "Pro Shop."

There isn't one easy way to explain the amazement that flowed throughout my entire frail body. Everywhere I looked there was something incredible. For instance, the magazine collection. When I say, "wow," I actually mean, "WOW!"



Just look at that! There's a...gun magazine over there. Oh, and look! Another one over there! There's a bow and arrow one! And another gun one!

One thing I thought was cool was the indoor fishing. Unfortunately, it's for pesky little kids that actually want to keep what they catch, but are disappointed then they have to throw it back into the water after the fish care-taker drops the fish on the floor after you pose for a picture with it. Or at least that's what I saw.

They have a rock wall there too. I've always wanted to climb one of those. Maybe I can do that someday. Just not there. Besides all that cool stuff, there's also a whole lot of fucking JUNK in there that I'm pretty sure not ONE professional hunter has one of each item of. Nor would they need 70% of it. There's a "fine" gun room, that I didn't make it into. I think I was thrown off by the gay cowboys that walked out. Speaking of guns, I saw a real "Pro" at the rifle game that they have in there.



I can't imagine his shots to be very accurate. Especially since he's holding his rifle like a total fucktard. But surprisingly, there were other people I failed to take pictures of that were holding rifles in the same manner. Probably because I was laughing too hard at them.

They have a bunch of animals frozen in bullet-time throughout the place. Lions, badgers, wolves, prairie dogs. It was amazing. Overlooking the center of the venue I was able to get a vulture's eye view, which I found quite amuzing.



Seeing this made me want to swoop down and start eating all these ridiculous people regardless if they were dead or not. 'Cause I'd make them dead. Real fast.

After not being able to take it anymore, we decided it was time to leave. On the way out, I found something so profound, I started to realize what these people were all about. What they love about the outdoors, slaying animals, and the "sport" of it all. It made me understand their passion. It was their livelihood. Their right as men to hunt. It was the natural order of things. It all spoke to me, from this t-shirt...



...and it made me hate them even more.

Fuck you Bass Pro Shops.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

you're retarded. Just because your views and "activities" are different from other peoples. Open your mind a bit... so to your post i say "fuck you xavier."

Xavier said...

Hey, thanks "Anonymous," first, for using name, and second for that insightful comment. I appreciate the fact that you took the time to read this post, in full, so that you could fully understand my disdain for such a place.
In response, I'd like to invite you to visit here: http://xrl.us/o2ryw . Also, Bass Pro Shop is still a ridiculously hilarious place to visit on the rare occasion that I should show someone exactly what I'm talking about. Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

Xavier you fag bastard. Reading shit like you posted makes me understand even more why people shop at outdoor stores. People have hobbies and like premoting what our nation was founded on. Some of us like showing our children what our parents taught us when we were young. Your parents obviously taught you to be close minded and anti AMERICAN. I here they like people like you in iraq, afganistan and FRANCE. Go out in the woods and get eaten by a bear. I bet you voted for obama

Anonymous said...

This guy is a dipsh*t. I would love to drop him off 60 miles from anywhere and watch him try and survive. yes there are rednecks but for the most part hunters and fisherman are extremely professional people and have the highest respect for animals. They are shooting/fishing for sport and for food - how did you think your grandparents/great grand parents survived anyways?
i have a funny feeling you may have some underlying need for attention, and i secretly think you are in need of some help.
so grow up.

Anonymous said...

Im going to shoot a deer in your name on Halloween day:) and i caught 2 bass today... and i really want that no/go hunting shirt. so i hope you enjoy the guilt cuz ill be enjoying the sport, the addrenaline rush, the meat, with the person that taught me it all my dad. so just cuz you cant take a little bit of my fav store in the hole world dont mean you gotta take it out on ppl. i aggree with the other anonymous

Anonymous said...

I love the outdoors but go work at bass pro warehous and you will want to shoot the people that work there. THey are so stupid and have no clue how to run a business. I dont know how that place even makes it with the so called white shirts(supervisors. I have never worked for such a f%&*ed up place in my life!!

Anonymous said...

I bet as a tree hugging liberal, you wanted to be with those gay cowboys and smoke your dope with them. Let me guess, your from California?

sam said...

Xavier hello my name is sam I live in st.louis mo. Im an vi hunter yet I also hate bass pro. I thought your post was hilarious I just laughed my ass off. I think you have a funny view about the place to each their own ,not everyone can take a animals life with a bow at 40 yards in 12 degree weather. To me there is nothing more primal, yet I respect your view and thought it was great.

Anonymous said...

Ordered a few fishing tackle items 10 days ago. I am still waiting 10 days later and looks like I will be for several days yet. They shipped and it made it to my Post Office then due to something being wrong with the address it was sent to another town where it was then sent to another town even farther away and is now on way back to Bass Pro ? They did say "sorry" I could have driven to a Bass Pro for the cost of shipping and got my stuff in an hour or so. I will buy from Walmart from now on or order from a seller on Ebay or letgo. Way too many other places to shop to put up with this kind of service.