(Click pic for bigger)
If you want to see ALL the real shit going on about Conan Vs.Leno Click HERE.
Showing posts with label Assholes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Assholes. Show all posts
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Whole Conan / Leno Fiasco? Here You Go.
Here's a few clips and a bunch of info on the whole Conan / Leno crap that's going on. Great dick move there, Jay. I'm on Team Conan. Are YOU?
(Click pic for bigger)
If you want to see ALL the real shit going on about Conan Vs.Leno Click HERE.
(Click pic for bigger)
If you want to see ALL the real shit going on about Conan Vs.Leno Click HERE.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Idiot And The Most Patient Cop In The World
Funny thing is, the "idiot" title really goes to both of them.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Bar Etiquette
This is something that's gone around for a while. I didn't write it, but I wish I did. Pass this on to your friends.
Bar Etiquette
DONT'S-
*BE A DOUCHE.
Yes, if you have never called yourself a douche or think that you never have acted a fool, we are talking to you. If you wear a flat-billed hat or a jersey on a daily basis, we are probably talking to you too. Maybe you should remove the tag and stickers from your hat before you go out. Don't think you are better, tougher, stronger, cooler, quicker, wittier, smoother, richer, or more of a pimp than you really are. Everyone sees right through the facade. Take these to heart and to the bar with you. Learn Rule #1. It will be your ticket to faster service, confidence success with the opposite sex, and a better life in general.
*FAIL TO HAVE YOUR MONEY READY
We're waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule 1: Have your shit together. Not only will following Rule 1 get you served quicker in a bar, it's a good general rule to adopt in life and is especially helpful in Central American border crossing scenarios.
*WHISTLE
This is an absolute No-No. You whistle at dogs, not people.
*WAVE MONEY
Oh, you've got a dollar!!! I'll be right over!! Hopefully I won't break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your "Curz Lite." Well, at least you're not breaking the next rule.
*YELL OUT THE BARTENDER'S FIRST NAME
There's something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That's one of the reasons strippers use stage names.
*SAY "MAKE IT STRONG!" OR "PUT A LOT OF LIQUOR IN IT"
Oh, you're one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong! When you say this, you're assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you're assuming that I'll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy: you. This is the best way to get a weak drink.
Oh, and yes we did put liquor in it, even if it's sweet that is our job to make it taste good!
You're not going to get more liquor by saying no ice or straight up, then saying can you put some ice in it.
*GIVE THE EVER-EXPANDING DRINK ORDER
You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no prob. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule 1.
*PULL THE REDIRECT (OR BAIT 'N' SWITCH)
Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, don't do that, okay? Chances are she's not ready, and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in 30 minutes.
*TRY THE CONFUSED, LOST LOOK
This is usually accompanied by the question "What kind of beer y'all got?" while looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar, right? You didn't just appear here, did you? Refer to Rule 1.
*ORDER HIGH MAINTENANCE SHOOTERS
Example: "Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop." Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation: Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you'll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Here's a clue as to whether or not you're high maintenance; if two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you're high maintenance.
*ASSUME WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THE BAND
We know, we know, you're gonna be really famous, but you're not there yet, tiger. Tell us you're in the band and which band you're in. By the way, if you are in a band and get free/reduced drink prices, feel free to tip, as most bartenders are also in bands! It's not like we don't know how it is. Oh, and our bands will smoke your band.
*ASSUME WE KNOW YOU PERIOD!
Unless you've followed the first "Do" rule below, we don't remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that's invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell us what you want.
*APOLOGIZE FOR SUCKING
Don't apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don't say "I'll get ya next time." We know all about you.
*ASSUME THE SOFT DRINKS ARE FREE
Are they free at McDonald's? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth.
*PUT PENNIES AND NICKELS IN THE TIP JAR
We don't want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don't have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17?
*BE THE "MICRO BREW AFICIONADO"
Usually a pseudo-hippy who can't tip a quarter but can't bring himself to drink "schwag," and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. "Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest?" "Does Anyone?" Here's your Newcastle. Go.
*BE THE "DADDY WARBUCKS"
Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. We hate you.
*BE THE "WHINY BABY"
Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, don't argue; we've seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you "don't have one" or "forgot it," forget it; you don't belong out on the town in the first place. That's the law, plain and simple. If we don't have the law, the terrorists win. You don't want the terrorists to win, do you? Bring your ID. Remember Rule 1, from a minute ago?
Don't tell me the bartender at the front bar hooks it up cheaper
bullshit because if he did you wouldn't be at my bar getting it from me! if you can't afford the drinks you are ordering then don't drink!
DO
Tip-
Tip heavy right off the bat, and you're the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you'll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one.
Be patient-
All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we'll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling. Remember, this isn't insulin we're passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you've got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.
Understand-
We are human not machines we know you're there however you are not the only or most important one in the bar...
Bar Etiquette
DONT'S-
*BE A DOUCHE.
Yes, if you have never called yourself a douche or think that you never have acted a fool, we are talking to you. If you wear a flat-billed hat or a jersey on a daily basis, we are probably talking to you too. Maybe you should remove the tag and stickers from your hat before you go out. Don't think you are better, tougher, stronger, cooler, quicker, wittier, smoother, richer, or more of a pimp than you really are. Everyone sees right through the facade. Take these to heart and to the bar with you. Learn Rule #1. It will be your ticket to faster service, confidence success with the opposite sex, and a better life in general.
*FAIL TO HAVE YOUR MONEY READY
We're waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule 1: Have your shit together. Not only will following Rule 1 get you served quicker in a bar, it's a good general rule to adopt in life and is especially helpful in Central American border crossing scenarios.
*WHISTLE
This is an absolute No-No. You whistle at dogs, not people.
*WAVE MONEY
Oh, you've got a dollar!!! I'll be right over!! Hopefully I won't break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your "Curz Lite." Well, at least you're not breaking the next rule.
*YELL OUT THE BARTENDER'S FIRST NAME
There's something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That's one of the reasons strippers use stage names.
*SAY "MAKE IT STRONG!" OR "PUT A LOT OF LIQUOR IN IT"
Oh, you're one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong! When you say this, you're assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you're assuming that I'll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy: you. This is the best way to get a weak drink.
Oh, and yes we did put liquor in it, even if it's sweet that is our job to make it taste good!
You're not going to get more liquor by saying no ice or straight up, then saying can you put some ice in it.
*GIVE THE EVER-EXPANDING DRINK ORDER
You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no prob. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule 1.
*PULL THE REDIRECT (OR BAIT 'N' SWITCH)
Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, don't do that, okay? Chances are she's not ready, and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in 30 minutes.
*TRY THE CONFUSED, LOST LOOK
This is usually accompanied by the question "What kind of beer y'all got?" while looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar, right? You didn't just appear here, did you? Refer to Rule 1.
*ORDER HIGH MAINTENANCE SHOOTERS
Example: "Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop." Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation: Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you'll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Here's a clue as to whether or not you're high maintenance; if two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you're high maintenance.
*ASSUME WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THE BAND
We know, we know, you're gonna be really famous, but you're not there yet, tiger. Tell us you're in the band and which band you're in. By the way, if you are in a band and get free/reduced drink prices, feel free to tip, as most bartenders are also in bands! It's not like we don't know how it is. Oh, and our bands will smoke your band.
*ASSUME WE KNOW YOU PERIOD!
Unless you've followed the first "Do" rule below, we don't remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that's invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell us what you want.
*APOLOGIZE FOR SUCKING
Don't apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don't say "I'll get ya next time." We know all about you.
*ASSUME THE SOFT DRINKS ARE FREE
Are they free at McDonald's? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth.
*PUT PENNIES AND NICKELS IN THE TIP JAR
We don't want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don't have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17?
*BE THE "MICRO BREW AFICIONADO"
Usually a pseudo-hippy who can't tip a quarter but can't bring himself to drink "schwag," and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. "Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest?" "Does Anyone?" Here's your Newcastle. Go.
*BE THE "DADDY WARBUCKS"
Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. We hate you.
*BE THE "WHINY BABY"
Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, don't argue; we've seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you "don't have one" or "forgot it," forget it; you don't belong out on the town in the first place. That's the law, plain and simple. If we don't have the law, the terrorists win. You don't want the terrorists to win, do you? Bring your ID. Remember Rule 1, from a minute ago?
Don't tell me the bartender at the front bar hooks it up cheaper
bullshit because if he did you wouldn't be at my bar getting it from me! if you can't afford the drinks you are ordering then don't drink!
DO
Tip-
Tip heavy right off the bat, and you're the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you'll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one.
Be patient-
All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we'll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling. Remember, this isn't insulin we're passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you've got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.
Understand-
We are human not machines we know you're there however you are not the only or most important one in the bar...
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
How Do You Fit The Egos Of Kanye West, Jared Leto, And Brandon Flowers In One Place To Record A Song? Like This.
Kanye West has joined forces with Brandon Flowers and actor Jared Leto to work on a song. I have to admit, I like Kanye West a little less right about now. Click pic for the story.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Britney Spears Wants To Wish You A Merry Christmas. March 26th.
This video's from the DC performance of Britney's Circus tour. I don't know what time of year she thinks it is, but I didn't get her anything for the gift exchange.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Why Did It Take This Long For Everybody Else To Realize Jimmy Fallon SUCKS?
Check out what Alessandra Stanley of the New York Times had to say about the Jimmy Fallon 'Late Night' take-over.
"He looked nervous, even flustered, at first, and some of the prepared comedy was surprisingly lame."
"Most of his skits and routines, however, seemed written for the Web, not for broadcast."
"Remarkably, given how many months he has had to prepare, many of his supposedly wacky, Web-style pranks were oddly plodding and unimaginative."
Heh. Click pic for more.
"He looked nervous, even flustered, at first, and some of the prepared comedy was surprisingly lame."
"Most of his skits and routines, however, seemed written for the Web, not for broadcast."
"Remarkably, given how many months he has had to prepare, many of his supposedly wacky, Web-style pranks were oddly plodding and unimaginative."
Heh. Click pic for more.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Victim One Of The Best Pranks Ever, Gets His Revenge
I posted this a while back. This is from Amir and Streeter of CollegeHumor.com. I'm not going to ruin any of it for you but here's one of the best pranks ever...
And here's the revenge. Bravo to you guys.
And you can see the rest of them, HERE, from bottom to top.
And here's the revenge. Bravo to you guys.
And you can see the rest of them, HERE, from bottom to top.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Joaquin Phoenix Could Actually Be Crazy
Mental-health expert Paul Dobransky says Grandmaster J could very well be mentally ill. Click pic.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Beautiful Sarah Jessica Parker Wears Hoofed Boots
Oh NOW she wants to play along with the jokes. I see. Well, for some real SJP fun, click pic.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Joaquin Phoenix On Letterman
Oh, Joaquin, Joaquin, Joaquin. How I hate spelling your name. Well he went on Letterman to promote his latest film, the title of which I don't care to bother looking up. David Letterman is good at what he does, and you can see in this clip, he's trying to help Grandmaster J get this interview off the ground, but NATURALLY, this was going to be a trainwreck. And a nice one at that. Check it out.
Some still believe that he's playing a part for this (hopefully hilarious) documentary by Casey Affleck. I really hope he's not. There aren't a lot of actors I care about. He certainly isn't one that I care about, but now, I can't wait for more and more Grandmaster J news.
And what's that, Dave? He hasn't been on your show in three years? Well let's just see THAT interview. Here he was three years ago...in a much better state.
At the end of the interview, Letterman says he owes an apology to Farrah Fawcett. Up until this point, she was the worst guest he had, and to compare, here's that interview from 1997.
That's pretty bad but certainly not worse than Crispin Glover's appearance. Yeah. George McFly.
I wish Grandmaster J the best.
Some still believe that he's playing a part for this (hopefully hilarious) documentary by Casey Affleck. I really hope he's not. There aren't a lot of actors I care about. He certainly isn't one that I care about, but now, I can't wait for more and more Grandmaster J news.
And what's that, Dave? He hasn't been on your show in three years? Well let's just see THAT interview. Here he was three years ago...in a much better state.
At the end of the interview, Letterman says he owes an apology to Farrah Fawcett. Up until this point, she was the worst guest he had, and to compare, here's that interview from 1997.
That's pretty bad but certainly not worse than Crispin Glover's appearance. Yeah. George McFly.
I wish Grandmaster J the best.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Christian Bale Takes A Kid To The Dentist
Recently I posted Christian Bale's meltdown and a video of a kid who is still woozy from his trip to the dentist. And now, there's this...
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Verizon Is Dumb With Deh Math
And in case you haven't fully understood it yet, here's the explanation:
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Christian Bale And I Are Done Professionally
Well, Christian Bale has lashed out. And for nearly four minutes. The director of photography of Terminator: Salvation managed to walk on the set. And Christian managed to tear him a new fucking asshole.
I can't help but laugh at this. It IS a bit over the top. But then someone took this and made this awesome shirt.
AND this awesome remix. Get ready to dance.
I can't help but laugh at this. It IS a bit over the top. But then someone took this and made this awesome shirt.
AND this awesome remix. Get ready to dance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
