Wednesday, May 7, 2008

MTV Isn't Worth a Mother F*cking Sh*t

Back in 1992, MTV decided to take movie awards out of the hands of the old shrivs and snobby critics who'd controlled them for so long, and back into the hands of publicists and the generally shit for brained. They've released the nominations for this year, and besides tapping National Treasure 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean 3 for best movie, they've got a new category called "BEST SUMMER MOVIE SO FAR". The nominees:

Iron Man
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Meth
Sex and the City: The Movie
Speed Racer
The Chronicals of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Yeah, you read that correctly, only ONE of those has actually been released. Christ, they're not even trying. I'm not sure why they felt the need to include "so far" in the category name. They could've just called it "People Who Paid Us" or "Reasons We're Whores."

Below is the list of nominees with my obvious picks and notes for each.

· Juno
· Transformers (More than likely winner.)
· Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (Possible winner)
· I Am Legend
· Superbad
· National Treasure: Book of Secrets (Really? REALLY???)

· Will Smith- I Am Legend (The best solo male performance was not him, it was me this morning. :-/)
· Shia LaBeouf- Transformers (Possible winner because he's not over 30)
· Denzel Washington- American Gangster (Possible winner for a real award, but he's too old and not as HOT as ...)
· Matt Damon- The Bourne Ultimatum (WINNER)
· Michael Cera- Juno (You've got to be kidding me. He was in that damn movie for 5 minutes. And never has he delivered the best male anything.)

· Ellen Page- Juno (Winner because she's WAY to cool for skoozle and acting with the personality of a refrigerator is a good performance nowadays.)
· Keira Knightley - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (Winner because she's the most beautiful broomstick with a pumpkin for a head.)
· Katherine Heigl - Knocked Up
· Amy Adams- Enchanted
· Jessica Biel- I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (Booty)

· Johnny Depp- Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (WINNER - I'm surprised he doesn't get awards from MTV that he's not even in.)
· Denzel Washington- American Gangster (Old)
· Angelina Jolie- Beowulf (Possible winner - A 10 second YouTube video of her queefing could get her a Best Female Performance award here.)
· Topher Grace- Spider-Man 3 (Close second because obviously That 70's Show was better than Happy Days, Small Wonder, and Dallas combined.)
· Javier Bardem- No Country For Old Men ("Uhh...WHO???" - as asked by the MTV audience)

· Johnny Depp- Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (WINNER)
· Adam Sandler- I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (Might win if they show Johnny Depp's clip first, and his last.)
· Jonah Hill- Superbad (Would have a chance if he weren't a fat-ass.)
· Seth Rogen- Knocked Up (Would have a chance if he were the only nominee.)
· Amy Adams- Enchanted (Clearly doesn't have a chance.)

· Matt Damon vs. Joey Ansah- The Bourne Ultimatum (Good scene, but when it comes to MTV...
· Tobey Maguire vs. James Franco- Spider-Man 3 (...special effects for kids movies win.)
· Hayden Christensen vs. Jamie Bell- Jumper (If Hayden's in it, and NOT Darth Vader, no one cares.)
· Sean Faris vs. Cam Gigandet- Never Back Down (Only girls and their moron boyfirends have seen this movie.)
· Chris Tucker & Jackie Chan vs. Sun Ming Ming- Rush Hour 3 (Nobody saw this movie.)
· Alien vs. Predator- Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem (Everyone forgot about this movie right after they left the theatre.)

BEST KISS (Fuck this category)
· Shia LaBeouf and Sarah Roemer- Disturbia
· Amy Adams and Patrick Dempsey- Enchanted
· Daniel Radcliffe and Katie Leung- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (LOL, I'll pick this one to win 'cause I'm an asshole.)
· Ellen Page and Michael Cera- Juno
· Briana Evigan and Robert Hoffman- Step Up 2 The Streets

· Zac Efron- Hairspray (Not)
· Seth Rogen- Knocked Up (Not)
· Jonah Hill- Superbad (Probably)
· Michael Cera- Superbad (Stammering through your lines is not a performance. It's called a speech impediment.)
· Chris Brown- This Christmas (Who?)
· Nikki Blonsky- Hairspray (I hope she wins but I don't see how she even has a chance when she's the size of a house when compared to...)
· Megan Fox- Transformers (Cue rockin' metal music, a couple clips from the film and the obvious shot of her mid-drift = WINNER)
· Christopher Mintz-Plasse- Superbad (Mintz-Puh-lease)

· Iron Man (Clear WINNER)
· Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Not a chance since this movie only appeals to people OVER 12 years of age.)
· Sex and the City: The Movie (This was only thrown in so the girls that fell asleep when they went with their boyfriends to see the other movies, could vote on something they've actually seen.
· Speed Racer (Only people not still having seizures want this to win.)
· The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian (I think this is in the wrong awards show.)

Fuck MTV. We'll see what happens!

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